Sometimes

At times, I wish I was working, so that I can buy whatever I want without having to justify or keep receipt of every single cent to the 'big boss'. I don't intend to buy any LVs or Prada or Gucci, or any makeup (i don't even use make up). I rarely spend much for myself. When I was working, I could buy whatever my little heart desire. I'd buy toys for Hero every other week (out of guilt because I spend less time with him during the weekdays = working). Now, the things that I buy are usually for my kids, and contrary to popular belief/myth, NO, I am not a spendthrift nor a shopaholic and I don't shop till I drop. I liken myself to a guy shopping. Make a list, then i like what i see, i BUY. And he should be lucky that he married me, not his previous 'gfs' who are brand-conscious shopaholic.

Wanna know what I usually buy? Books for my kids, good books, educational stuffs, lately birthday toys (hutang hadiah birthday) and maybe some winter attire from Pumpkin Patch (yang dah habis murah sebab sale). And the monthly money hubby gave me I save for a rainy day. (I used half of my savings to migrate here, plus some to pay uni for breach of contract. I am thankful that I saved a lot so that I can use it to migrate and pay uni. To me that's my rainy day, so now I need to keep some more in case another rainy day comes along.

Kadang - kadang rasa macam pengemis. Nak beli apa2 kena minta kebenaran. Sigh~

But I guess that's the sacrifice I have to make since I choose to stay at home. It's tough really. Your freedom to buy whatever you want is no longer there. You know, I could just do my PhD and also work part time, but that leaves me with zero time with the kids. They need me more than I need money. They are my priority. So takpela, sabar je la kan? You can't always get what you want.

You know, at times, I envy working mothers having the power to buy whatever they like. Having to hang out with friends, do their facials, have a life. And the kids seem to look okay, don't see any emotional instability, etc whatever people say to discourage mothers from working. But I bet working mothers envy stay at home mothers (SAHM) too, because they get to spend time with their kids, and watch them grow before their very eyes, which is something no amount of money can ever buy back that sort of experience. The mother-child bonding is stronger than ever. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

I need to constantly remind myself to be patient. This is what I want. Being together with him. Kids growing up with both parents (priceless). Doing my PhD at a university abroad. This is what I want, remember? So please remind me to be grateful, because I think I'm not. This is what I pray for day and night for the past 4 years. This is what I wish for to Allah whenever I wake up during the night to perform any prayers. This is it. So I wonder why am I still not happy? I think I know the answer. I'm being ungrateful.

To make me need money less, I need to stop the urge of spending. It is hard since now they are having so much sale all over town, makes me go crazy. So how to stop the urge? Well, stop looking at catalogues. That's one. What else? Stop reading other people's blog where they flaunt their new designer bags or whatever stuff that they buy. Make myself super busy (I will be when my in laws arrive tomorrow and my mom next week, and starting PhD as a full time student next week). What else? Hmm..lost of ideas. I wonder how other SAHM cope? Any suggestions on to how to curb this feeling of wanting to shop (read:shop for kids stuff and mommy's kitchen toys ;p)? Really appreciate it.

Tengah mode takde mood. Luahan hati, kan? Need to freshen up the house and make sure everything's in order. And last time I weigh (last night), I'm 51kg! So hopefully I won't get any 'negative' remark from my MIL regarding my fatness or chubbiness (sensitive oi). Pray for me will ya? ;p

Take care all