Sometimes

At times, I wish I was working, so that I can buy whatever I want without having to justify or keep receipt of every single cent to the 'big boss'. I don't intend to buy any LVs or Prada or Gucci, or any makeup (i don't even use make up). I rarely spend much for myself. When I was working, I could buy whatever my little heart desire. I'd buy toys for Hero every other week (out of guilt because I spend less time with him during the weekdays = working). Now, the things that I buy are usually for my kids, and contrary to popular belief/myth, NO, I am not a spendthrift nor a shopaholic and I don't shop till I drop. I liken myself to a guy shopping. Make a list, then i like what i see, i BUY. And he should be lucky that he married me, not his previous 'gfs' who are brand-conscious shopaholic.

Wanna know what I usually buy? Books for my kids, good books, educational stuffs, lately birthday toys (hutang hadiah birthday) and maybe some winter attire from Pumpkin Patch (yang dah habis murah sebab sale). And the monthly money hubby gave me I save for a rainy day. (I used half of my savings to migrate here, plus some to pay uni for breach of contract. I am thankful that I saved a lot so that I can use it to migrate and pay uni. To me that's my rainy day, so now I need to keep some more in case another rainy day comes along.

Kadang - kadang rasa macam pengemis. Nak beli apa2 kena minta kebenaran. Sigh~

But I guess that's the sacrifice I have to make since I choose to stay at home. It's tough really. Your freedom to buy whatever you want is no longer there. You know, I could just do my PhD and also work part time, but that leaves me with zero time with the kids. They need me more than I need money. They are my priority. So takpela, sabar je la kan? You can't always get what you want.

You know, at times, I envy working mothers having the power to buy whatever they like. Having to hang out with friends, do their facials, have a life. And the kids seem to look okay, don't see any emotional instability, etc whatever people say to discourage mothers from working. But I bet working mothers envy stay at home mothers (SAHM) too, because they get to spend time with their kids, and watch them grow before their very eyes, which is something no amount of money can ever buy back that sort of experience. The mother-child bonding is stronger than ever. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

I need to constantly remind myself to be patient. This is what I want. Being together with him. Kids growing up with both parents (priceless). Doing my PhD at a university abroad. This is what I want, remember? So please remind me to be grateful, because I think I'm not. This is what I pray for day and night for the past 4 years. This is what I wish for to Allah whenever I wake up during the night to perform any prayers. This is it. So I wonder why am I still not happy? I think I know the answer. I'm being ungrateful.

To make me need money less, I need to stop the urge of spending. It is hard since now they are having so much sale all over town, makes me go crazy. So how to stop the urge? Well, stop looking at catalogues. That's one. What else? Stop reading other people's blog where they flaunt their new designer bags or whatever stuff that they buy. Make myself super busy (I will be when my in laws arrive tomorrow and my mom next week, and starting PhD as a full time student next week). What else? Hmm..lost of ideas. I wonder how other SAHM cope? Any suggestions on to how to curb this feeling of wanting to shop (read:shop for kids stuff and mommy's kitchen toys ;p)? Really appreciate it.

Tengah mode takde mood. Luahan hati, kan? Need to freshen up the house and make sure everything's in order. And last time I weigh (last night), I'm 51kg! So hopefully I won't get any 'negative' remark from my MIL regarding my fatness or chubbiness (sensitive oi). Pray for me will ya? ;p

Take care all

My Hospital Drama

On Friday night, I was cozying up with hubby watching 'Australia' (beautiful movie by the way and now I truly understand what's the fascination about the Sexiest Man Alive (2008/or 09?) Mr Hugh Jackman) and at 11.30pm I suddenly felt like I had a bad stomachache and needed to go the loo. Yup, 11.30pm and followed by a series of diarrhea and vommiting non stop till the morning plus some twisting and squeezing feeling of the gut, feels like contraction (because it's every 10 minutes and oh-so-painful) and I didn't sleep the whole night (obviously). Hafiz called Health Direct and were told to bring me to the doctor immeadiately. Meanwhile the GP told us to bring me to the hospital. So, we had to send the kids to Mynn's place (first time ever, glad Mynn was able to help, THANK YOU so much Mynn, you're the best!!!!!!!). We waited for almost 2 hours ( i think) and thankfully there's a toilet near the waiting area so I was coping well.

When it was my turn, as soon as they called my name (this is after the initial check up by the triage nurse to see how serious the situation is) i was ushered in using one of those movable bed thingy (i dunno what it's called, any doctor out there who can help me out?) and all of a sudden I found myself at the Emergency Ward (alamak! there's even a suspected swine flu patient in front of my cubicle -but later the result turned out to be negative.) And to make things even worse, Hafiz wasn't allowed to follow me, so I had to be brave and survive in the ER room on my own. But thankfully the staff (doctor was superb, nurses were so very friendly) and they made me feel at home. They took my blood, check my condition, and drip saline into me, plus other medicines since i can't keep anything in. It seems that I was looking pretty bad, guess was in a bad shape, my fingers were cold and the nails were blue, and my lips were chapped and dry (signs of dehydration) and the pain was just a tad lower than contraction. I soon learn that there was this virus called norovirus that might cause all this pain. I put on a brave face and try not to worry although there was only one thing in my mind at that very moment, my beloved kids. I was worried about Princess, will she be able to cope with me not being around? I pray and pray that the blood test would come out alright and doesn't look so serious so that i can plead with the doctor to release my that very same day.

That night, i remembered Hero was having stomach pain too, he was crying while sleeping. Being a mother, I don't think I can bear to see my boy in pain (trust me, i have had stomach flu so many times in my life but this is by far the worst ever) so that night, while moving in and out of the toilet, I prayed to Allah to let all the sickness and pain that my kids might have, and give them to me. I guess Allah must have heard my prayers and soon after that, the pain got worst and the next day I found myself lying helplessly on the hospital bed, hoping i won't die or something (dramatic la sket ;p). Thankfully the kids are alhamdulillah so far, and hopefully they stay that way.

For someone who have been in and out of the hospital quite frequently (during pregnancy) admitted yer, not just seeing the doctor, I think the Royal Perth Hospital (government hospital not private) is so much better than Gleneagles in terms of hospitality and management. The nurses are a lot nicer and the doctors (not specialist, doctors only) are very friendly, warm and capable too (plus easy on the eye -hafiz will kill me if i write this..but what the heck, i think it's my duty to share this important info to u guys!). To make myself happy and to kill time, I pretended to sleep/close my eyes and I can feel as if i'm in Grey's Anatomy or maybe ER.. haha. I can hear this hot nurse flirting around with my McDreamy Doctor (who is married with 2 kids by the way) but the doctor doesn't look interested at all. Malu la sket minah oii kacau suami orang!)

Around 3pm, I got a pleasant surprise from Hafiz who asked the nurse if he could come in to see me (they said only 5 minutes) but i told him to stay with me (sampai kena halau ;p). I somehow knew that they were too nice to ask him to to go, so I get to keep him :). He said he was awfully worried about me and from the look on his eyes, he seems worried and I can feel how strong his love is for me. He took pictures of me on the bed (sorry yer, i won't put it here lah, too ugly, u won't know it's me). He bought me vegetable pies which I am not allowed to eat (i am on fasting mode at that very moment) and he literally brightened up my day at the ER. Although I was rather worried about the kids, how are they coping, etc but he assured me that Matt and Mynn said that they are doing pretty well. As soon as the results were out and all seems fine (nothing too serious like pancreatic disease or something), I asked the nurse if I could leave the ward since I have to fetch my kids. She told the dashing doctor who also had 2 kids aged 3 and 1 too and he truly understood how i felt (i know this because we had a chat while he injected me with all sorts of stuff, talking about kids and family, etc) and so I am so happy to know that luck was on my side, and he let me go home. So, at 4pm, after a half day's admission, and after turning off the drip, I was let home.

After picking up the kids and soon after arriving home, I felt lifeless. (because i am no longer on drip, kan?) I was sooooo tired as if there were not even an ounce of energy left in my body. I couldn't eat a single thing and i felt so sleep-deprived. I was too tired to mutter a single word or open my laptop to check mails, etc. But I am glad to see my kids again, kissing them over and over again (can't imagine mothers who leave their kids longer than a day, must miss the kids like crazy, i know i do!!!!) I hugged and cuddled them as if I haven't seen them for years and I am glad to notice that the feeling was mutual ;p. Hafiz made frozen prata (roti canai) and fish curry that night (wow kan?! under my supervision and orders la tapi ;p) and they had that for dinner (i couldn't eat anything). He took control of everything, taking care of me and the kids, taking over the things that i usually do, I just lay doen on the bed and after breastfeeding Princess, put the kids to sleep and i tried to sleep. I had some shivering reaction to one of the medicine given, so it gives me chill, even after wearing 3 sweaters, comforter, blanket and turning on the heater full blast (the kids felt hot and hafiz had to open his shirt -ala2 hugh jackman Australia gitu -my imagination la ;p) and yet i still felt so cold. At that very moment, I thought I might die (here comes the drama queen again) since i heard that when u are dying, u feel an unexplainable cold, but hafiz asked me to stop talking nonsense and he hugged me tight so that i can share the warmth of his body. I guess that's the thing that made me survived that night ;p. I slept nicely (alhamdulillah) and felt better the next day and gradually towards night, I can feel the energy coming back, especially after the morning breakfast prepared by hafiz. I felt truly blessed to have him and although this ordeal is something that i would not want to ever repeat, at least i get to know that he truly loves me. So, girls, if you wanna know whether your spouse really loves u and would do anything for you, be sick, get into a hospital if u have to, to make it more realistic, ;p and you can see how head over heels in love he truly is with you.

Thank you so much sayang for everything. You complete me. And to Mynn and Matt, I don't know what I would do if you guys weren't around. Thank you so much for taking care of my two 'well-behaved' kids ;p. And from this day onwards, I will try my very best and pray too that I will not get super sick until I am admitted again to a hospital because if I am sick, who will take care of my beloved sweethearts? Betul tak? Thank goodness this time around it's only half a day, and i hope there won't be another time.

That's all folks, just some random unimportant story about being admitted briefly in Perth hospital.

Take care!

Special tribute to a legend

As everyone would have already know, the legend, Michael Joseph Jackson (if he is a muslim (not so sure if it's real or gossip: Mikael), died today due to a heart attack (this is the news so far, although autopsy hadn't been done yet). I won't talk about him because I'm sure you either know by heart, or you can just read it elsewhere just by googling it. But I want to talk about how Michael Jackson's songs affect my life.

Warning: To those who are 'agak2 rasa diri alim' and does not approve music or thinks that I might be idolising a 'singer' which is wrong, bla, bla, spare me the 'holier than thou' attitude and stop reading this entry. I'm sick of people who THINK that they are so pious (confirm masuk syurga la konon). But let's not spoil this tribute by talking about this 'riak' people.

So, anyway, where was I? Right. My story with the legend.

Like most music lover worldwide (even Sami Yusuf wrote in his facebook about how much he adores Michael Jackson) I grew up listening to his songs. I'm sure you guys do to. His songs are just perfect, and suits all sorts of mood. I remember my relatives from Singapore coming all the way to Malaysia just to attend his concert. He was a very soft-spoken individual and I simply adore his songs especially those with messages like Heal The World, You are not alone, Earth Song, Black or White, etc.

My mom used to play loads of Michael Jackson video clips when I was young (5-ish), like Billie Jeans, Thriller (i was so terrified of this clip..hahaha), Beat it, BAD, etc. I guess this makes us (siblings and me) adore MJ to no end. But I have always prefered his 'message' songs like for the BAD album it was 'Man in the Mirror' and so on. Some of his notable songs in BAD was The way you make me feel, Dirty Diana and Smooth Criminal. God, while writing this, I just can't believe this was ages ago. Sure feels like yesterday though when we first bought our very own Michaal Jackson album - Dangerous. Of course, listening to the music over and over again, hehe. Nice songs and among my favourites were Heal the world, Black or white and Remember the Time (the video clips pretty cool). At that time, usually MJ will have the coolest video clips ever, because usually other people's clip won't be as amazing as his (banyak CG).

Sigh.. if I were to list all the beautiful songs he made this entry will never end. I remembered how I love 'You are not alone' so much when I was 14, sang with the peeps in 3B class. Whenever I feel alone at that time (biasala teenage angst, and peer pressure, sometimes feeling like people don't really know u -come to think of it, i don't even know myself back then..haha) i would listen to that song, that's like my anthem at 14. Hearing his voice singing You are not alone, I am here with you... I feel happy, his voice sounds so reassuring, so I survived most of my teenage years listening to his music (plus boy band music and some Oasis too of course).

It's sad that a lot of accusations have been against him, like child molestation, etc. I don't know whether it's true or not but I somehow feel that it's not lah, and anyway he's no longer here, let's remember only the good things about him...

One of my fave song (I notice I like his slow songs -Heal the World, Earth song, etc)

Let's sing along together:
(I am seriously singing this song out loud. Gosh, can't believe he's no longer around. Always felt that he was an invincible icon, a Peter Pan, if you will. The music world would sure be different without him)
"You Are Not Alone" Written and composed by R Kelly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8rYl6K2STc



Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold
Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

All alone,
'Why, oh

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away

Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there

You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone.

Though we are FAR APART, you will always, always be in my HEART sir MJ


Sob..sob..(no, I'm not cryin, but I sure feel like it. Sebak je) Now I'm surfing the net watching his music videos on youtube. Such an amazing and talented individual which I am sure has touch many hearts. He is indeed one in a million and truly a legend.

I wanted to write an entry as a remembrance of him in my blog.

Thank you Mr Michael Jackson aka Mikael for creating beautiful music with those melodious voice. Hope you Rest In Peace and hope the rumours of you being a muslim is true. We will always remember your greatness and talents. You will forever live in our hearts.

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough
For the living
Make a better place
For you and for me

The world is still not a better place sir, and I'm sure you've suffered a lot in your life, people hurting you and making up stories about you, not appreciating you and all, but I sincerely hope you are indeed in a better place now, with our Creator.

Take care all.

New addition

Tomorrow the honeymooners are coming here :).. (read: my bro and my new sis) and 'organised' Sheri (even though I'm not) has emerged to make sure they have a very pleasant stay. As part of our wedding gift (since we weren't able to attend their wedding), we bought them two nights stay at a posh hotel in the city (hafiz said apa kata kita yg dok situ, diorg jaga anak kita ;p?haha). beautiful room with kingsize bed and all, very ideal for honeymooners kan?

The feeling of being JUST married is in fact a beautiful feeling. Reality hasn't sat in yet and both are still in dreamy mode, fantasy land... what a beautiful place to be in. After being married for 4 years, I'm standing firm in my reality land (2 small kids to take care, endure long distant relationship, being single during pregnancy and most of the marriage due to husband's work, etc) but things like that makes the marriage stronger. Being just married is wonderful, problems hasn't come in knocking at your door yet, the opportunities are endless and you will have your whole life together, but at the same time I'm glad I passed that stage already, being the new 'girl' in a new family, getting to know your in-laws, cousin-in laws, etc, they don't just accept you overnight, right? But I believe the in law relationship gets better once u get to know each other better. If only people would stop judging one another and just accept that new person with her flaws or whatever it is that you don't like. Embrace her with a pure heart and zero hatred, and insyaAllah the relationship will blossom.

I would say that I find it rather difficult at first to blend in with the in-laws. They weren't exactly warm to me (although they are very nice people) and I assume jealousy was the main cause since maybe they think I was there to steal Hafiz from them (one of the most important man of their life) and I on the other hand was being childish and living in fantasyland. I forgot one of the most important advice my uncle once told me, 'once u marry someone, you not only marry him/her but you marry the family too'. So little miss 'ever after' thought that after getting married you get the prince and live happily ever after for eternity. Boy, was I so wrong or what? My mom in law probably had someone else in mind, and I assume wasn't happy with Hafiz's choice, meanwhile my sister -in law's boyfriend just migrated to NZ and her brother will be leaving her to get married/snatched by this girl she doesn't even know or like, and I wasn't exactly 'little miss perfect', I was 'little miss attitude,' 'little miss cry-a-lot', 'little miss hypersensitive' and little miss fatty (they think I'm fat, regardless what weight I am in, I will always be fat to them...hence the reason why I have low self-esteem when it comes to my weight), so you can imagine what it was like during the first few years ;p.

But if only everyone were to shed off their ego, be more accepting, I'm sure things could have been so much better. So that's why I said that I am glad I have passed all those conflicts, because now I think they accept me more (after two kids) and I'm sure the relationship will get better as years go by. That's why for my brother, I make it a point to love my new sister like my own (especially since I don't have one) because I know first hand how extremely hard it is to enter a new family and to be accepted, to feel like you belong. I know firsthand how heartbreaking it is to the husband that the two most important women in his life aren't getting along. I will try my best to accommodate them (bro n sis) and make sure they have an enjoyable day (i made itinery and menu for their one week stay, ok? ;p). I know she loves lamb chop and my brother loves pasta alfredo(nasib baik suka bende senang nak buat, not nasi briyani kambing or nasi minyak ayam masak merah, or thosai telor ;p). I truly believe acceptance is important to sustain a happy family. So, stop judging and accept the new person for who they are. I love my brother, and he loves his new wife, so the woman must be a beautiful person inside and out that made my brother choose her to be 'the one', so I have to respect that because I know there must be something beautiful and special about her that made her my brother's special someone, don't you think so?

So, everyone, whether you are a sister in law, mother in law or even the new addition yourself (notice how men don't get themselves into these kind of relationship problems, it has got to be just the women), the keyword here is acceptance. Open your heart and leave your judgemental personality at the door (why do you want to judge her, do you think you're perfect?). Oh, I forgot the other most important thing ever, does anybody wanna take a guess??..........................
Patience ;p.. Lots and lots and lots of patience. If everyone in the world has this two things, the world would certainly be a better place (sorry for the cliche, I had no choice ;)...)

But alas, if only things were this simple....But you can always dream...

p/s- the author is NOW enjoying a blissful relationship with the in laws so don't judge the author of hating the in-laws or anything. In fact they'll be coming this 3rd July :)

Take care