Thank you

Just a short entry to say thank you to everyone for your prayers, advices and comments. I am eagerly waiting for Friday to see if there's any improvement. So far she looks fine and she has been eating slightly better than before.

Just hoping for the best. And yes, I felt better. Thank you for being worried about me, glad that I was wrong and I do not feel alone anymore. Have you veer felt that way? Emotionally dramatic enough to think that your problem is worst than hunger problems or Palestine issues, etc and you feel that that is the end of the world and all hopes are lost and you and only you understands what you are going through? Well, I might exaggerated a bit on the hunger problems, etc but you do get what i mean right? It's just one of those days where everything is wrong right from the beginning, and you feel like wanting to just crawl back under your sheets (bed) and hope that the day ends earlier than usual and you can wake up to another brand new day. Whewh... too long.

Anyway, that's all for now. After Friday, had a great time Saturday onwards, met up with good friends at an Islamic school fete, and everything was happy onwards. Went to Fremantle with the rellies (relatives from Singapore) and on Sunday went to Caversham Wildlife (finally get to see a Koala AWAKE and being active, looking cheerful, they are just SO CUTE!!!!!!). Later that night had this Pizza dinner at a halal restaurant and although i normally don't like thin and crispy italian like pizza, this is just superb :). And all is well, really. Alhamdulillah. I try not to think too much, like the advices friends gave me, if she was fated to be hospitalised so that she will become better, than so be it. No need to think to much. Just hope for the best, Redha and berserah.

On an unrelated matter, my darling laptop is showing signs of SOS. So i guess i really need to save money to buy a new one.

I'll put up pics later, when I can get my hands on my cousin's superb pictures. Till then, have a great day :)

Take care

Giving up?

She's not eating. She's not putting on weight. In fact she's losing weight. And I don't think anyone around me understands what I am going through. She's just so degil. She's losing weight. Something is wrong with her. Can't anyone understand? Stop judging me. Stop telling me what to do like it's somehow my fault and as if I am not doing enough for her. You know what, I think I have. I have done a lot for her.

I really don't know where to put my face when I see my PhD colleagues at the faculty. I seldom frequent my room. I do my work at home. My supervisor knows about it but he doesn't mind. As long as I finish my work on time, everything else is secondary to me. But having some people bad-mouthing me, as though I am not doing my work. Indonesian pulak tuh. So typical. (Malay-Indonesian, serumpun, dengki pun serumpun jugak.). Sama2 muslim pulak tuh. Why oh why? It's not like I don't have a valid reason of staying home to do my work. My Endnote software wasn't compatible, the pc at the office can't read my PhD proposal files, and references, so how can I go? Yes, I have to ask the IT officer to repair it, and he happens to be at an other building and I have to go see him. Leceh la. And I have work to do, I have datelines to follow, so I stay at home to do my work. Somehow people are jealous because they think that I am lazy for not coming in often (and the fact that I just enrolled 27 July and managed to submit my proposal in less than 3 months as compared to most of them, more than 6 months - dengki gile la tuh). Unlike most of them who are single and one who has big kids (7 years above), I have small kids and one is FTT while the other is asthmatic/sinus/etc. And the fact that my daughter is having this FTT thing, people just don't understand (or WON'T?). Having Hospital appointments and GP appointments to keep up with (and the waiting is superbly crazy), it breaks my heart when after all the trouble and loads of work I did to ensure that she puts on weight, (and the fact that I have to put up with stares from colleagues due to the bad mouthing, hence getting a bad reputation) she lost weight!!!!!! I feel like wanting to just break down and cry.

I just want to give up. But I can't. Please don't tell me all she needs is just 2 cups of milk, and stop breastfeeding Miss I-don't-have-any-kids- Dietitian. (she says if she doesn't eat or drink, just bring her to the hospital to be warded -dengan muka yang teramat selamba) .I would be lucky to get 40ml into her tummy. I even resorted to using syringe, and she cried and cried and she just sembur it all out. Frustrating. It's just so hard to get her to eat. This 13th is another hospital visit, and since her growth hasn't been good (weight has been at 8.5 kg plus minus around there for more than 3 month) I redha. I have tried everything, I am just so tired. And having people around me telling me what to do and not to do, when they know well enough that I have obviously tried all options.... this hurts me to my very core. I wish I could just run away somewhere, breakdown and cry. Seriously. I need a break. I guess I just have to accept that needles and probably all sorts of other things will be poked into that tiny body, and listening to her wailing will surely make my heartbeat stops. Jantung luruh.

I think I should stop blaming myself. I know I am a good mother, I have tried everything and I don't care what other people thinks anymore. If you want to label me as an incompetent mother, it's up to you. I've tried my best. She's still losing weight. Dietitian senangla cakap, bukan anak dia. Gosh, I feel so alone. I am not asking for much, but I wish there was someone out there who knows what I am going through. I just want some support. I am struggling here, in regards to my daughter's FTT.

Saya ni manusia lemah. Saya manusia tidak berguna. Saya manusia hina. Tolong, tolonglah ya Allah, bantulah hambaMu ini.

I don't know what else I should do. Just wait until 13th, pretend that everything's peachy and wait until the paeds start poking around? Being realistic, there's nothing much I can do except pray. But, no, I won't just give up. She's my daughter, my life. I will give her as much food as I can, even if I have to shove it up her throat - dietitian doesn't have to know), and if she still continues like this, then truly she needs to be in a hospital. She's just not growing.

I need strength. Lots and lots of strength. So many things and problems, issues going on, life is just so difficult. Struggling financially too, but that is just a very forbidden story to tell. And Hero's school issues lagi. Wow. Problems, problems, problems. As if I am the only one in the world with problems.

Yesterday I was walking with my mom and kids and I said "wow, it's hot and I am so tired of walking" As soon as I finished talking, a disabled individual was walking alone, struggling hard to walk ALONE using what appears to be crutches and looking skinny and having a somewhat 'OKU/istimewa' appearance. Remorse suddenly clutches my very soul. Insaf. Be thankful. Be grateful.

It suddenly dawns upon me that THIS is my share.... Ini bahagian saya. This is my dugaan. I am sure you guys have problems too. I am just struggling with mine. What I am sure is that giving up is not an option..........

Oh Allah, give me strength.

I need strength and LOADS of patience.

Take care.

Pasar malam Curtin

Sorry, I forgot. I completely forgot. I wanted to put pictures of Curtin's Pasar Malam. They say that every year, about 50,000 people frequent the event. Probably Asians yang rindukan their Pasar Malam back home (who am i kidding? mesti Malaysians la, who else?). Among the foods sold are keropok lekor, ala2 Ramli burger, murtabak, nasi ayam, nasi lemak, SATAY (siapa jual satay, sure laku gile, and the queuing line was just so long), malay kuih, etc.

Food was so-so la. Nothing to shout about. Oh, I could shout about how darn expensive things are, and tak sedap pulak tuh. I mean, I don't know if all of the foods are nice or not, but the ones that i bought lah, weren't nice :(. And I wish the food were as cheap as Pasar Malam Malaysia (wishful thinking) but it turns out, it's more expensive than the Malaysian hotels ;p. Seriously. Plus, tak sedap. Nuff said.

But I still will come next year. I plan to brushen up on my cooking skills, and sell something edible. Who knows, I might be rich overnight. Hehehe.... Jual air bandung pun ok apa? Murtabak ke? Now all I need is someone to babysit my kids while I sell.... hmmmmmmm...

Oh, throughout the night, there were some shows, didn't watch it though, although my son was intrigued by the belly dancing act by 4 mat salleh girls... (gemuk2 gile belaka) and it literally looks like their 'belly' were dancing. But never underestimate them based on their size, because they are quite good at it. Hehe... Unlike yours truly here.

So, here's some pics of the Pasar Malam. Enjoy!

Picture of the blog owner (lama dah takde, bet u guys miss me ;p) and the supporting characters - Hero and Princess.....

One of the Curtin building at night - penuh dengan manusia....

Yup, people again.

Look at the price! Yikes!

Barbecue Chicken, I think

Cooking

Hey, I spot a mat salleh. Seriously there weren't many natives. Just a lot of Asians and international students all over the world.

Look at the queue

Satay ikan, i think. He loves it! (kesian dia, deprived of Malaysia's Pasar Malam food)

People again

Too many people, we can't even move our stroller around!

Me again ;)

Control happy - i just love the atmosphere... bila lagi nak keluar malam.. and the kids loved it too. Usually the shops closes at night so we are always home before Maghrib and the kids would sleep at 9pm (on good days, it would be 8pm -so mat salleh kan?).
Look closely and you can see the plus size mat salleh belly dancers. sexy oiiii!!

Final verdict - i couldn't get my hands on good tasting food. so hopefully next year i'll come earlier to buy nicer foods. or maybe sell some myself ;p

i love the atmosphere though... jarang dapat keluar malam. feels sooo good..happening, hehe and the kids (culture shock especially Princess - jarang keluar malam because what's the point, kedai kan tutup pukul 5pm) were so happy and bulat je mata diorg tengok suasana sekeliling.

Take care

Gotong royong

Hi there, welcome. Welcome.

Come, come here. Help me.

Help me gotong royong. Bersihkan sawang2 dalam blog ni. It has been quite awhile since I last blog.

Hehe.. I have valid reasons though. More like excuses. But strong excuses.

1. My internet is slow - slower than turtle
There are just so many internet users in the house. Unlike Malaysia, over here, every month there's a limit to how many gigs per month. It's not really unlimited. So when you used up the Gigs.. your connection will become slow, slow slow dial up la lebih kurang. So how? I can't even access FB much. and to surf other's blogs and can't see the pics. But the most saddest part for me is to being unable to watch my Grey's, my fave Housewives and the list is just endless. Sob... sob. And the fact that the new Gig will only start middle of the month... lama la dalam zaman batu ni. I am suffering without fast connection. Moral of the story: need to upgrade to a larger Gig.

2. PhD proposal
Hmm.. actually this should be the main reason.. Hahahah. Owh well. So, anyway, yeay, submitted my PhD proposal. The one which has already been corrected. And just have to wait and see if the corrected version needs to be corrected yet again. I don't mind really. Hehe. But yeah, was so busy with that, especially when I had done it a week ago, but at the very last minute the Prof marking it decided to spice things up and ask me to amend it. So, bye bye weekend and hello proposal. Thank goodness that's all behind me now.

3. My mom is here
I know, i know, stop saying I anak manja. Hehe. My mom wanted to come. She feels lonely and misses her two grandchildren. That's why if any of you decided to stay abroad, you better have kids, so that your parents will frequently visit because they miss their grandkids..... :)

4. Health issues
I have some woman health issues i'd rather not discuss. It has actually been awhile now, and it has yet to improve. Have been to quite a number of doctor visits, but still. the problem is still there. Oh well. Hope things will get better soon.

So far, this are the reasons that i can think of (excuses that i can cook up). But one more think that i forgot to tell you, is the fact that lately a lot of things have been happening, and of course things that might be a little too private to tell. So it kinda make me not in the mood to blog. Have that ever happened to you? I mean, you can't blog about it, but it's in your mind. And yours truly here always blogs about whatever's on my mind. So that's actually one of the main reason why I don't blog altogether. I tried to write about it, but everytime i did that, something happened. The latest most significant one was when i finished the entry, wanted to publish, and all of a sudden, there was no electricity! Allah tak bagi kot. Too private la Sheri. Don't share it to all your blog readers. ;p.

So there you go. Reasons for not writing. Oh, and my cousins and aunt will be coming this Thursday, but they will be staying at a rented house which is just the opposite of my house. Cool kan? So I am guessing I might be busy. And I'm pretty excited too since I've never received any guest apart from our parents (hafiz n me) and it's their first time here. So hopefully they'll have a blast.

Okayla, got to go. Give Hero breakfast.

Thank you for gotong royong to clean up my 'house'. Really appreciate it ;P

Take care